Diary of?
by CSIwannabe
Summary: Whose diaryjournal is this? This is my first slash fic so plz be nice. Rating is for some content
1. Chapter 1

3/6/05

Three years ago, I almost died. Everybody that I work with thinks that I am over it, but they don't realize that I still wake up with nightmares of the explosion. They don't realize that I am terrified to light my oven or even a candle when I have my lover over. The only person that I think realizes that I still live with it is the one who sees the damage it did to me.

When I have my nightmares, I wake up screaming because I feel the shards of glass go into my back all over again. Then my lover wakes up and comforts me; at least that's what he calls it. I really don't consider it comfort, but rather a way of telling me to go back to sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Not to be mean or anything, but did y'all not notice that it said "slash" in the summary? Just FYI.

3/25/05

I just want so badly to end the pain that I feel, but every time I try to, I get stopped. It is either someone calling me to go work a scene, or my lover coming home from work. So instead of trying to end it, I go out and get hammered whenever possible. Then I stumble into the house where my lover is sitting playing NFL Street 2 and watching the clock.

But that was before a case that hit really close to home. It was a case where this burnt woman was found at the bottom of the hill. When I saw her body, the scars began to ache and I had the temptation to find the nearest trashcan and empty my stomach. All I could think of was that I could have looked like that. When I saw her husband, I wanted to tell him…something, I'm not sure what. I just wanted to give him some comfort, actual comfort.

After that, the dreams just got worse, as did my drinking. The dreams alone just caused Warrick to break up with me. Then, when he left, I realized that I could start to kill the pain in a way besides drinking. I started stealing beakers from the lab so that I could use them to cut.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: People, this is a slash fic, and the lover is male. If you don't get it after this chapter, you will be told in the next one. Now that that is out of the way, thank you for your reviews so far. They are what keep me going. Oh, as always, I own nothing. If so, Eric Szmanda would be massaging my feet.

4/11/05

I discovered a new thing about myself because of the cutting; I am an excellent actor. Nobody even notices what I have been doing to myself. They are just so wrapped up in their cases and everything else around them. They don't realize that I get hammered every night after work, go home and cut, clean up, and sleep for a few hours before the nightmares begin.

No hangovers, no side effects of drinking. I even take cabs to and from wherever I get hammered at so no one can find out and so I don't hurt someone. The closest I have come to being caught was when Hodges asked me where some of his beakers went. All that I could say was "Haven't seen them. Maybe the beaker monster took them." I just love confusing him.

My love life has completely gone to shit after Warrick broke up with me. I can't even get a guy's number when I go clubbing. On the topic of Warrick, he won't even give me a sideways look. He has even started drinking the crap that the lab calls coffee instead of the good stuff that I brew. I guess that means that he wants nothing to do with me. Oh well, all the more reason for me not to change my behavior.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I don't own them. And, if you could, I want to know how many of you would like to see something else that I have been working on posted here. It would contain the OC, Brittany from my other story, but not a sequal/prequal in anyway, shape, or form. Just lemme know.

I will update "How Did This Happen?" as soon as the plot bunny comes back so don't fear.

Oh and Rehgai, you have a deal.

4/25/05

Shit, shit, shit. What is "this is what I am so deep in"? I got to work last night and Nick pulled me off to the side as we got to a scene. I found out that he saw me getting into a cab the night before last at my house, so he tailed me. He followed me the whole night and saw me get hammered and do my usual little clubbing ritual before going home. Just frigging great! Ever since then he keeps trying to get me to tell him what is wrong. Now I am suspended for a week for hitting him. And that is _without_ pay.

I need the money to fuel my clubbing and I need to go to work to get— Wait, I don't need to get beakers from the lab. Why didn't I think of this earlier? I'm just gonna make a quick run to the store real quick.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Sorry if this chapter seems to be a little weird but if you have problems understanding it, just say so in your review and I will explain in my next A/N. One thing you could try to help understand is to read it a few times. Thank all who have reviewed so far. And more will come on How Did This Happen? later. Also, I really need to know if you want to read what else I have been working on for a while.

Laurel Ducky, I hope this answers your question.

5/02/05

Ok, this is going to be a long entry. Reason: I am going to write the whole little "talk" I had with Grissom today. Just let me set the scene and events leading up to it. I had just gotten off of suspension and had a case with Sara. During the case, Sara came up to me in the locker room where I was changing since I got hot coffee all over my shirt. (It was a long sleeved shirt. To cover up the scars, y'know?) I was just in my beater going over the case with her when I cut myself on a sharp edge on my locker door.

**Greg: "Ouch. Dang it." **

**Sara: "I keep telling the janitor that he needs to get in here and sand down the edges"**

All hell broke loose when she told me to turn my arm over so that she could see how deep it was. That cut was not the only thing that she saw.

**Sara: "Greg, what are the rest of these scars on your arm?"**

**Greg: "They're nothing. Just some cat scratches."**

**Sara: "Greg, you don't own a cat. Don't lie to me right now. Are you a cutter?"**

Then all of a sudden, Nick walks in. He asked Sara if he could talk to me alone for a minute. I'm sure you can guess what he started the conversation off with.

**Nick: "Greg, I never should have asked you about what I saw that night. It was, is, none of my business."**

**Greg: "You are right. It isn't any of your business, but I didn't have any right to hit you like I did. Sorry."**

Just then my pager started to buzz at me. Grissom wanted to see me in his office. My thoughts were that Sara went to him; have him try to talk to me, see what was going on with me lately. I put on a clean shirt and headed to his office. I suspected that my guesses were correct when I saw that the blinds were drawn.

**Grissom: "C'mon in. Close the door behind you."**

I did as I was told and sat in one of the chairs that I had sat in many times before. But this occasion wasn't as happy-go-lucky or light hearted as before.

**Greg: "What did you need?" _Like I don't already know or have an idea._**

**Grissom: "Sara came to me earlier. She told me that you cut your arm on your locker."**

**Greg: "So? What is the big deal about cutting my arm on my locker? It was just a stupid accident."**

**Grissom: "Well, for a little over a month now, Hodges has been informing me that beakers have gone missing."**

**Greg: "Once again, so? Hodges looses stuff that is not dealing with an open or recent case."**

**Grissom: "It is not only Hodges that is missing beakers. Some of Mia's beakers are MIA. No pun intended."**

**Greg: "Grissom, is there a point to this? I have an open case with Sara. Get to the point if there is one."**

**Grissom: "No, you don't have a case with Sara. I took you off it after she came to me. Now, since you don't have an excuse to leave, we are going to talk about this."  
Greg: "Grissom! There is nothing to talk about. You had no reason to take me off this case."  
Grissom: "Yes I did Greg. After you hit Nick last week, I had to question him so that I could file a report about your suspension. You know that is standard procedure. He told me about what caused you to go off like that. I believe that you are taking the breakup with Warrick pretty hard."  
Greg: "How do you know about that? I thought no one knew that I was into guys."  
Grissom: "It wasn't hard for me to figure out that you are into guys and Warrick is bi. Now, tell me what is going on." **

**Greg: "Nothing is going on! Now, put me back on the case with Sara. Or give me an assignment."  
Grissom: "There are no assignments for you and you are not being put on any cases until— Greg, are your hands shaking?"  
**I clasped my hands behind my back and denied it. I couldn't let him see that I was weak. I did the only thing I could, I ran. Ran past the break room, the locker room, and the lobby, even the parking lot. Now, I live about two miles from the lab. That is a long ways to run, but I didn't even realize I had until I was at my front door. It was only after I had downed half the bottle of Jack Daniels that I keep in the cupboard and wrote what is above this sentence that I realized that my car and most of my stuff was still in my locker at the lab. Then I heard someone at my door.

After looking out the peephole and seeing Grissom, I didn't open the door. I just watched to see if he was just going to give up and leave. He didn't. He called my cell phone. Unfortunately, he heard it ring in my pocket. I decided to answer it as I was running to where I kept my steak knives.

Greg: "Grissom, I was just going to stick to the cutting, but now that probably everyone in the lab knows that I am gay and a cutter and I get smashed every night, there is not a different road to take."

**Grissom: "Greg, don't do this. I can guarantee you that not the whole lab knows. Please don't do this."  
Greg: "Grissom, begging isn't going to get you anywhere. Sorry I had to waste five years of my life trying to gain my way into your good graces. Oh, and tell Sara, that she is the reason that I like guys and Warrick that he is the reason I did what caused me to deck Nick and become a cutter. Let Catherine know that I never got over the lab explosion and that caused me to loose Warrick. I hope she has better luck with him than I did. One last thing, tell Doc Robbins thank you for helping with my research of suicide and some of the faster ways to end your life."  
**After that, I hung up and finished writing that and the sentence after this. The last thing I heard was the sound of my front door being broken down.


End file.
